Put The Phone Down!

April 17, 2025

A mother scrolling during feeds, a father distracted at the park, a parent answering messages while their baby lies awake nearby. Parent's on their phones is common. Almost invisible. But it’s not harmless.

This isn’t about blame. Parenting is demanding, sometimes isolating, and can be deeply overwhelming, especially in the early weeks and months. Phones offer an escape through distraction, information, and connection. Social media can provide moments of solidarity and humour in a time that’s otherwise full of doubt and exhaustion. For parents struggling with PMADs (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders) these online spaces can be a source of validation, even survival.

But there’s a line and when screen time begins to replace face time with the baby, something essential is lost.

There’s growing attention on the role of smartphones and social media in the lives of children and adolescents. We talk about the risks of early access, the dangers of addictive platforms, the need for tech-free zones and healthy digital boundaries. All of which are vital conversations. But there’s a striking omission. The elephant in the room is that children’s relationship with technology begins long before they own a device and get to school. It begins with their parents. It begins at birth.

Long before a child learns to swipe, they watch what their parent’s phone means and they feel what it means to be in competition with it. They feel the shift in attention. They sense, before they can speak, that something is in between. If their first interactions with the world are regularly interrupted by a glowing screen, they begin to adapt and not always in ways that serve their emotional development.

We now have a clearer picture of how this matters. Research into “technoference” shows that even brief phone distractions can interrupt the flow of communication between a parent and infant. These micro-disruptions add up. Dr Bruce Perry’s work in early brain development reinforces this: babies develop through repeated, responsive interactions with their primary carers. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being reliably present. That presence builds a secure attachment, which becomes the foundation for regulation, and healthy relationships.

When a parent’s attention is habitually pulled away, those foundational moments are compromised. It’s not just about time spent, it’s about emotional availability. The baby doesn’t just need to be held. They need to be seen. And when that gaze is too often turned towards a screen, the infant may begin to feel uncertain, even unsafe.

At the same time, we need to hold space for the complexity. For many parents, particularly those experiencing depression or anxiety, phone use is a way to self-soothe. It offers a break from the intensity of caregiving, a way to feel less alone, a moment of numbing. But it’s often a short-term fix with long-term cost. Karen Kleiman’s work has shown us how vulnerable new parents are to comparison, when they may already be struggling with intrusive thoughts, anxiety and guilt, feelings that social media tends to amplify. A scroll through curated images of “perfect” parenting can leave someone feeling more isolated than before.

In therapy, this becomes a delicate but necessary conversation. Instead of asking, “Are you using your phone too much?”, which can easily trigger shame or defensiveness, we might ask, “What’s happening for you when you pick up your phone around your baby?” or “What are you needing in that moment?” These questions are an invitation for reflection. They help us understand what the phone is doing, and what it might be doing to the relationship with the infant.

As clinicians our task is to gently support change, not demand perfection. That might mean helping parents identify a few moments each day that can be phone-free, feeding times, nappy changes, playtime. We can offer psychoeducation on attachment and brain development in a way that empowers, not overwhelms. We can invite more mindful use of technology and help build other sources of support, so the phone isn’t the only outlet for relief or connection.

And we need to hold the wider cultural truth: we cannot talk seriously about the impact of smartphones on children without talking about parental use, starting from day one. We model more than we teach. If a child grows up watching their caregiver turn towards a screen rather than towards them, they will learn that as normal. We shouldn’t be surprised when they do the same.

Technology isn’t going away. But presence still matters. In fact, it matters more than ever. If we can meet this issue with compassion and clarity, we can support families to build deeper, more secure bonds, right from the beginning.

Some extra reading:

Deneault, A. A., Plamondon, A., Neville, R. D., Eirich, R., McArthur, B. A., Tough, S., & Madigan, S. (2024). Perceived Parental Distraction by Technology and Mental Health Among Emerging Adolescents. JAMA Network Open, 7(8).

Dos Santos, J. C. C. (2025). Rethinking “technoference”: need for a conceptual and terminological review. Pediatric Research, 1-1.

Kleiman, K. (2010). Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts: Breaking the cycle of unwanted thoughts in motherhood. New Harbinger Publications.

Mackay, L. J., Komanchuk, J., Hayden, K. A., & Letourneau, N. (2022). Impacts of parental technoference on parent-child relationships and child health and developmental outcomes: a scoping review protocol. Systematic reviews, 11(1), 45.

McDaniel, B. T., & Radesky, J. S. (2018). Technoference: Parent distraction with technology and associations with child behavior problems. Child development, 89(1), 100-109.

Perry, B. D. (2002). Childhood experience and the expression of genetic potential: What childhood neglect tells us about nature and nurture. Brain and Mind, 3(1), 79–100.

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook – What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing (Revised and Updated Edition). Basic Books.

Zayia, D., Parris, L., McDaniel, B., Braswell, G., & Zimmerman, C. (2021). Social learning in the digital age: Associations between technoference, mother-child attachment, and child social skills. Journal of school psychology, 87, 64-81.